Thursday, December 19, 2013

All I Want For Christmas Is A Reptile Sandwich


Probably the last thing you'd expect to see during the cold days of Christmas would be the appearance of species which would find such chilling temperatures to be anathema:



Which should give you an indication of the level of absurdity you're liable to find in "War Of The Reptile-Men!", where Spider-Man faces off with the Lizard and Stegron, the Dinosaur Man. Stegron, we learn, has begun using a "retro-generation ray" to bring the skeletons of museum dinosaur displays back to life; but in order to bring his plans to fruition, he needs the assistance of Dr. Curt Connors, a/k/a the Lizard. As to how he intends to get Connors' cooperation, we'll let Mrs. Connors recap for us:



So now we have the Lizard on the loose, along with Stegron. Spider-Man has already encountered the Lizard, who seems to be tracking Stegron:



I can't quite picture a lizard declaring itself the "master of reptiles." When was the last time you saw a lizard holding off a snake? As for Stegron, he's already getting busy with his makeshift army:



Unfortunately, Dr. Connors is a tad indisposed right now. But will the Lizard do?




Meanwhile, the dinosaurs get loose and make tracks for Central Park, where Spider-Man spots them (not exactly a surprise--who wouldn't spot dinosaurs?) and webs their eyes to keep them confused and prevent them from attacking any people. Seeing the police arrive, Spidey feels free to resume his hunt for the Lizard and Stegron. I have no idea how New York's finest are going to handle a bunch of flailing dinosaurs, do you? I don't think a Triceratops is going to take kindly to handcuffs.

Be that as it may, Spidey backtracks the dinosaurs' footprints and locates Liz and Stegron, hurling himself into the fray:



In the confusion, Spider-Man web-shoots the cure for the Lizard's transformation into its mouth, thereby taking at least that villain out of the equation. But Stegron takes the opportunity to flee with Billy Connors and join his brethren in the park:




You've probably noticed that the police don't seem all that adept at dealing with dinosaurs. Gee, color me surprised. Spider-Man also finds himself surprised when the dinosaurs suddenly revert to their Smithsonian state:



Stegron, being a smart dinosaur man, knows when the battle is lost, and he flees further into the park, with Spider-Man hot on his--well, whatever dinosaur men use for heels. But the cold is finally debilitating Stegron, and so he finds himself at a distinct disadvantage as Spider-Man closes in. But here's a question for you: can you spot the absurd omission in this series of panels?



Yes, of course--Spider-Man coming within arm's reach of Stegron, without his spider-sense letting him know the villain is right behind him. Fortunately it appears Mother Nature did Spidey's work for him.

At least the Connors family ends up in better spirits, which gives Spidey a reason to send us all out with a smile on Christmas:


What do you want to bet that Spidey wrapped up that retro-generation ray for the Connors?

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