Tuesday, September 24, 2013

You, Too, Can Ooze Sexual Arm Power

To my credit, I never fell for this ad that appeared in a late 1971 comic book I'd bought:

It sure wasn't for the ad's lack of trying, because this puppy pulled out all the stops.

"Slip on these Strong Arm Bracelets--and instantly, in a second, your arms start oozing 100% more power! Your body takes on the appearance of ferocious strength--striking fear and terror into anyone who even thinks of attacking you!"

And that's only one second after putting these wrist bands on! Though the wearer is probably going to be interested in a hell of a lot more than "oozing" power. Still, it seems obvious that you're going to look like this guy, right? I wasn't really on board with striking fear and terror into people, though--on the other hand, I guess I should be prepared since apparently people are walking around thinking of attacking me.

"Your manhood and virility 'comes alive' and across swiftly to women--they instantly sense your sexual power and want to be in your arms!"

Jeez, maybe this comic should have been rated PG! I think at the time I was more interested in the story inside this comic book, rather than finding ways to get sexual power. I guess my priorities were mixed up. But it's never too early to start thinking about sexual power, is it? Why did they put "comes alive" in quotation marks? I think the ship has sailed with indications of dubious meaning by this point, hasn't it?

"These genuine leather and gold-toned lead weights are the latest in 'MOD' fashions. They go well with all your clothes, turning them into vigorous-looking styles! You 'come alive' with muscle and sex appeal!"

Wow, more sex appeal. Sure, I'll take all I can get, why not. Remember when "mod" was slang for "contemporary" and "progressive"? But I think wearing lead wrist bands to school is probably pushing it. On the other hand, it's one sure way to test my new arm power when all the kids get together to beat me up for thinking I have arm power.

"NO EXERCISE--NO SWEAT TO CREATE ARM POWER!" That's all in caps--it must be on the level! Wait a second--what's this? "Wear them anywhere--anytime--and they turn every arm movement into an instant arm builder! They build ferocious rugged power for any sport--yes, including KARATE!"

What's this "build" stuff? I thought my arm power was going to happen "instantly, in a second"? I mean, look at what they did for the guy in the pic.

"If you don't turn on the power fast return them for a full refund. Fair? START NOW TO BECOME MORE OF A MAN IN SECONDS!"

That's better--they said "seconds" again, and in caps. There's even a full refund if they don't work. It's legit, alright.

But I didn't read any of this copy. Instead, I couldn't help but notice--why was this guy's upper body tanned and sweaty, while his lower body wasn't? And neither was his neck or face! Foul! Foul! Reel me in with clever wording, but never try to run a Photoshop job by me--even if "photoshopping" wasn't even a verb yet.

1 comment:

B Smith said...

Well, "this guy" was Arnold Schwartzenegger, so they somehow forgot to mention the several hours per day You'd need to spend in the gym doing vast amounts of rigorous exercise while wearing those bracelets..

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