The Terror of the Toad Men!

In the early days of The Incredible Hulk, it didn't take a rocket scientist--or Bruce Banner--to figure out the direction and tone which writer Stan Lee and artist Jack Kirby were giving the book. In fact, it read very much like one of those old monster comics which Steve Does Comics can't get enough of:

Mild-mannered milksop physicist by day--raging, bitter brute by night. "Milksop," as General "Thunderbolt" Ross often refers to Banner, is one of those words you feel compelled to look up:

I don't know too many indecisive physicists, but I'm not about to get in Ross's face and argue it with him.

At any rate, those early Hulk issues had all the makings of a monster mag spin-off. I mean, just look at issue #2, where the Hulk and all of Earth encounter the terrifying Toad Men:

I know what you're thinking: There are intelligent, hostile toads on Earth, about to invade?? Before you hide under your table--not that that's going to do a lot to save you from invading toads--I should clarify that these toads are invading from outer space, arriving in their toad ship:

Aren't monster stories great? You don't really need to ask a lot of questions, like how the heck toads evolved somewhere in space, or how they became conquering toads. In a monster mag, you just go with it. And it gets better! These are actually Magneto-like toads:

I guess that's preferable to having millions of toads swarming into your neighborhood.

So how does Banner, who's still laying low and trying to get his bearings after his tragic gamma bomb accident, find himself involved with world-conquerors like the Toad Men? ("World-conquerors like the Toad Men" just sounds wrong, doesn't it?) Well, even with a massive invasion fleet hovering nearby with the element of surprise on its side, the Toad Men prefer to play it safe by snagging Earth's most brilliant scientist in order to get an idea of the planet's defenses and level of technology. And look who their machinery singles out:

Take that, Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom! According to advanced technology, Bruce Banner is Earth's most brilliant scientist. A milksop. Man, you two are going to be roasted in next month's scientific journals.

But even though the Toad Men manage to make off with Banner, their orbit takes them into Earth's dark side--and you know what that means. They can kiss all that brilliance of Banner's goodbye and shake hands with a raging monster who likes captivity even less than being hunted and hounded. Once again, I know what you're thinking--a battle between the Hulk and the terrifying Toad Men is bound to be epic. Unfortunately, the Hulk takes about 30 seconds to mop up his captors:

Meanwhile, "Thunderbolt" Ross hasn't been idle all this time. His base spots this U.F.O., and Ross has it shot down. Don't you just love "Thunderbolt" shoot-from-the-hip Ross? Why waste time assessing the U.F.O.'s origin or intent--"unidentified" being the key word here--when you have a base full of missiles with your finger on the launch button? Though in this case, his instinct proves correct, as his attack brings the down an enemy ship. But its Toad Men occupants aren't amused, and signal their fleet to attack.

And, brother, when Toad Men attack, they mean business:

So Earth can either surrender, or be smashed by its own moon and crumble to pieces. I don't think I'm out of line by suggesting that surrendering to a race of Toad Men might not be as humiliating as it seems, at this point. Or are you fond of the idea of finding your home suddenly resting on a tiny frozen asteroid hurtling through space?

If you're expecting the Hulk to pull your fat out of the fire, forget it--the Toad Men have issued their ultimatum in broad daylight, which means that our fate now rests in the hands of a milksop Bruce Banner. Fortunately, according to the Toad Men, he's also Earth's most brilliant scientist. Heck, even Betty Ross and Rick Jones can back that up, and that's good enough for me:

And what does Banner have going for him that Richards and Von Doom don't? Gamma rays, that's what.  Mind you, Banner has no idea what effect they'll have, but fires anyway.  Ross would probably be proud of him:

So we can presume that the Toad Men and their armada are still spinning out of control somewhere out there in deep space. That should be giving the Watcher a chuckle or two.  At least their attempt at conquering Earth made Mysterio take note, as he once attempted to ambush She-Hulk by using humans disguised as Toad Men.  I didn't read the issue, but I'm guessing she found her attackers less than terrifying.