Prepare To Be Staggered!

Comic book matchups that had you scratching your head--
but still made you curious about how the fight would turn out.

Welcome to another installment in a series of posts we could only call:

Given that Spider-Man isn't exactly the Juggernaut, you'd think that a battle between these two very different characters would be more of a one-time novelty, instead of a match-up that continues to be trotted out by Marvel on occasion. I think the reason for that is more due to Spider-Man's popularity than the Hulk's, if the healthy run of Marvel Team-Up and Spider-Man's many spin-off titles are any indication. Also, Spider-Man has several interesting abilities, which are pretty entertaining to see used against such an awesome foe. So the attraction of a Spider-Man/Hulk battle is probably to see how the fight is handled, rather than to take bets on who the victor will be. And though the Hulk took awhile to catch on with readers, he's now a Marvel mainstay and looks damn good appearing on another character's cover as a foe.

That said--aside from the marquee value, there isn't really much of a reason to tune in a battle between these two characters. Because basically, their encounters are going to go something like this:

In other words, while the Hulk attempts to get his hands on Spider-Man, Spidey is going to keep out of his way while doing his best to score hit-and-run attacks or distract the brute from whatever danger he's posing. No decisive victory is likely on Spider-Man's part, at least on a one-on-one basis. One-on-one, the Hulk could take Spider-Man out with one blow (and likely kill him); while Spider-Man, bless him, can only delude himself with a move like this one:

Right. If you say so, Spidey. You "staggered the Hulk." Less than 5 seconds after he'd changed from Bruce Banner. Yes, that was all you. I knew you could spin webs, but I had no idea you could also spin the facts. You certainly didn't take long to use it as a feather in your cap, either:

I haven't seen Spider-Man's "Hulk-punch" since then, though, so either Spidey decided to stop flaunting it or Marvel decided to retire it--the latter probably being the case, since there would otherwise be no excuse for Spidey not to pull out the Hulk-punch if he had a problem putting down a foe. Maybe that's also why it's a rare day when Black Bolt uses his "master blow." If you had a master blow, would you avoid using it when things got tough? At any rate, it's probably best to stay clear of Amazing Spider-Man Annual #3, the issue where that "staggering" punch against the Hulk takes place--nothing good can come from reading it, so...  no, don't, I said! Don't click that link! WAIT!

Oooooo, you're going to regret that.

Anyway, if you're curious, here's how Spider-Man's punch would work out under normal circumstances:

So this is no "clash of titans" we're talking about here, by any means. More like a demonstration of Spider-Man's mettle, using his ingenuity and powers (not to mention a whole lot of luck) to offset the Hulk's raw might:

But as a rule, Spider-Man's best defense against the Hulk is not a good offense, but rather a generous supply of evasive maneuvers. For obvious reasons:

Otherwise, he's going to become road kill:

"But wait!" you say. "What about Spider-Man's webbing?" Well, it depends on the circumstances where you see it used. In that Spider-Man annual, Spidey uses it to ensnare the Hulk after he *sigh* staggers him--but what have I told you about that annual? Disregard. Here's what's going to happen when you try using a sticky substance against a foe who can hoist cliffs for fun:

Still, while Spider-Man is doing his best not to get killed, we get to see some primo talent choreographing these fight scenes. In their third battle, a two-part issue (nicely scripted by Gerry Conway), the artwork in the first part was done by John Romita (and inking his own work, what a treat!):

While Gil Kane (inked by Romita and Tony Mortellaro) took the second part:

And of course the great Steve Ditko (and inking his own work here) handled the artwork for their first meeting:

So while we may not ever get a TKO from Spider-Man against the Hulk, we can at least have a little fun watching Spider-Man being put through his paces. Not that the Hulk will have any fun--but come on, do you think he wants to be staggered on a regular basis?